Heinz & Cynthia Mourn the Passing of Their Daughter

This past Saturday, October 15, 2005, marked the long awaited day in which my wife and I could bring closure to the passing of our dear daughter, Claire. Earlier this year, January 22 to be precise, at the 9th week of my wife's pregnancy, we lost our long awaited third child in a tragic miscarriage. As a husband, I was not fully prepared for the degree of grief that would surround our home for the next several months, particularly as it pertained to my wife, Cynthia.

It is a matter of fact that men and women handle loss differently. For myself, it meant the loss of dreams, the loss of first events and typical childhood milestones, the loss of daddy daughter moments that would never be fulfilled in this lifetime. For Cynthia, it meant the violent and sudden removal of a life that was intimately attached to her body and soul. There was a real person growing inside her, feeding from her, fully depending upon her. I cannot even begin to understand the depth of the connection between mother and child and therefore I cannot begin to imagine the magnitude of the loss which comes from such a deprivation. I reassured her that I can only share in the grief to a certain point. Despite my best attempts, I could never place myself in her shoes and understand the loss as only a mother could. But know this, however long it takes and whatever you need to do, I will support you in your grief no matter what anyone else says or does. You have my full blessing to grief in whatever manner you choose so long as you follow the admonition of the Apostle Paul in the Second Letter to the Thessalonians, not to grieve as one who has no hope.

What we did not anticipate was the silence from our local congregation. There were a few concerned souls that made reasonable attempts at comfort and consolation and for them we are extremely grateful for their love and sympathy. However, from the leaders at large, the wall of silence was deafening. We found this to be maddening and confusing. As conservative, Bible believing Christians we fully believe that life begins at conception; we believe in the full personhood and dignity of the person no matter the stage of development; we believe that as citizens and residents of Canada we need to remind our political leaders that they have an obligation to protect the weakest members of society who have no political voice for themselves (if only the unborn could vote, how would that change political policy). Yet, when it comes to the loss of one who is at earliest stages of life, our leaders said little if anything.

The result of this neglect was the development of www.clairesfriends.org.

The first order of business was to educate our elders and leaders of the degree to which early infant loss affects families. My wife and I prepared a package for our pastoral team to bring them up to speed. Thankfully, the need was recognized and the material accepted. I am happy to report that our pastoral team will be more attuned when this sort of loss occurrs again within our congregation.

The second order of business was to distill what we gleaned into a short hand book that contains our story, Bible verses, the path of grief and other resources available for grieving families. In addition to the booklet, familes can order a memorial bracelet as a token of remembrance of their lost child. One of the issues we recognized in early infant loss, is that was nothing that belonged to the child, by which we could remember her save for an empty womb. My wife created one for Claire and for a few other friends as well. The next thing we knew these bracelets were being advertised on our website.

The website was launched on Mothers Day, May 8, 2005. Since then, we have received over 50,000 hits and 300 requests for information and bracelets.

The third order of business, was to have a memorial service not only for Claire but for other families that also lost children during the early or late stages of pregnancy. This took place on October 15 of this year. I am happy to report that at least 10 families participated in this event. It was a thrill and an honor to assist others to bring comfort, closure and recognition that the loss was not the mere expulsion of inanimate biological tissue. They lost a family member and it is ok to mourn their passing.

What does the future hold for us? Well, we are expecting our 4th child in Janury. So far, all seems to be well.

Soli Deo Gloria